Lately, I’m learning something that feels simple but has been hard for me to put into practice because of my personality type.
You cannot control other people’s emotions. When someone is feeling something, you shouldn’t try to talk them out of it or rush them through it.
You don’t need to fix it.
You don’t need to explain it away.
You don’t need to make it make sense to you.
You just need to sit with them.
And listen.
And maybe the hardest part? Accept that they might feel something very differently from you in that same situation. Realizing that this difference is not a failure on either side.
The urge to fix comes from love (and discomfort).
Most of us rush people through their feelings for understandable reasons. We love them. We don’t want them to hurt. Or, if we’re being honest, we’re uncomfortable sitting in emotional uncertainty. Silence feels awkward. Pain feels contagious.
But trying to fix emotions often sends an unintended message. It is saying, "your feelings are a problem. Let’s get rid of them."
Researcher and author Brené Brown said, “rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.”
Connection doesn’t come from solutions. It comes from presence.
Feelings don’t need approval to be valid.
Another trap we fall into is evaluating emotions. Deciding whether they are logical, justified or proportionate.
Feelings aren’t court cases. They do not need evidence to exist.
Psychologist Carl Rogers, one of the founders of human-centered therapy, believed that healing happens when people feel fully heard and accepted. He said, “when someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good.”
Being heard also does not require agreement. It requires respect.
You can sit with pain without owning it.
One of the biggest misunderstandings about emotional support is the idea that if you sit with someone in their pain, you are somehow responsible for it. Or that you are agreeing with every conclusion they have drawn.
You’re not.
You are simply acknowledging reality as they experience it.
Trying to rush someone through their feelings often robs them of the meaning those feelings are trying to reveal.
Two people can walk through the same moment and come away with entirely different emotional responses. That does not mean one is right and the other is wrong. It means we are wired differently.
Different histories.
Different nervous systems.
Different thresholds.
Different needs.
Love doesn’t require sameness. It requires curiosity.
Instead of saying:
“That shouldn’t upset you.”
“You’re overthinking it.”
“Just look at the bright side.”
Maybe try:
“Tell me more.”
“That sounds heavy.”
“I’m here with you.”
When you do not rush someone, you are saying something powerful. You are saying, I trust you to move through this in your own time. I trust your feelings, even when I don’t fully understand them. I’m not going anywhere.
That kind of presence does not fix people. It gives them space to heal themselves.
And I think that is the point.